Not Who I Once Was

So I turned 25 last month. I was so blessed and loved by those around me and those I can’t see very often.. There were some huge challenging parts of my day, but I saw God in really “weird” ways. I even wrote Him a birthday list of things I wanted out of my day, and He supplied EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. He showed me how special I am to Him and some challenging things He wants to do in my heart in this season. It reminded me of this blog I wrote several weeks ago that for some reason, I didn’t post:

 

I’ve been going through an Identity class this semester in CGA, and though I’ve only been here for 3 weeks, it has been rocking my world. Not in the hopeless: “Oh my goodness, I’m never going to be ________.” It’s more of a: “WOW, God, you’ve brought me so far. I can see where you were in these situations. Woah, you have healed so much already and I love that I’m not perfect. You haven’t left me thus far so let’s keep this growth happening. I’ll continue saying, ‘yes.’”

If you know a bit of my story, you know how far I’ve actually come. I spent the majority of my life struggling with perfectionism and all the symptoms that went along with that. Depression, anxiety, misplaced sources of affirmation, walls up, suppressed emotions, shallow relationships.

It’s been a long process of letting that go and receiving healing from my Heavenly Father. 

The journey started 3 years ago when I graduated college and a trusted pastor [thanks Rob] spoke into my life; God gave Him the discernment and wisdom to see the parts of me that were not walking in freedom. And I am so thankful for His courage to say the hard thing.

I began going to counseling* and dealt with the up-and-down emotions of letting out years of pent up everything. [thanks Laurie] It was messy. I started letting people in to all that goes on in my world.

Going on the World Race was a next step in that journey. Experiencing true community, Abba continued to break down my masks and showed me how to love myself. It’s been challenging and beautiful and shattering and settling. I now know what it looks like to accept what He wants for me and to live out His powerful truth about me. And I have to say, it is truly humbling to walk that out in radical living.

So when I started going to this Identity class, I was unsure of what to expect. I had gone through so much healing; what more could there be? Jokes on me! There’s always more, and I have to be honest and say I’m thankful. We are complex beings, made in the image of God, and our personalities reflect that. We will never be done learning about ourselves nor will the journey of fully knowing our Creator be completed.

I hope that you take heart in knowing that you are not where you once were. God loves you (and me) as much now as he would if we got “cleaned up.” How cool, right?! Let’s find some peace in that. So, take heart and dare greatly…

 

*Some books that changed my mindset in the “perfectionism” category:
“Daring Greatly” and “Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown
“Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship” by Jack Frost
“The Gifts of Imperfection: by Brene Brown
“Total Forgiveness” by R.T Kendall
“Overcoming Hurts and Anger” by Dwight L. Carlson
“Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend